Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.