“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
i really liked this one
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.