[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.