Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.