You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
🙋♀️
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
What the hell happened here.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are