18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow