[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.