My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.