My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*