Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.