Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late