Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars