He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.