Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms