I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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“Wait, let me explain..”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now