Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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The French cow says MEUX…
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)