Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
You Might Also Like
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wake me when AI does housework
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.