YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk