It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I bet
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?