Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
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Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.