I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.