Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Canada has crack?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.