things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like