[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
describing stardew valley
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.