Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.