I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
sin harder.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
selfie game
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up