I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.