*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
there’s probably a fee though
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.