You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Vodka burrito was a success
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
why no one uses midhusbands
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart