[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward