Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
when you are just born a rebel
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do