Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
A friend sent me this.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.