During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Software Development ⛵️
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”