GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My first son he is wonderful
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around