She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit