if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Good point.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.