HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.