Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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Lucky old June.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*puts my mental health in rice
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”