[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..