My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub