*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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Stop.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs