Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Need this in my life lol
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
me 2 months after i graduated
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.