“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.