Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
cat vs inanimate object
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.