All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Cashiers are always checking me out
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them