Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.