A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Phonetics
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
The French word for sex is croissant.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.