ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.