The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
You Might Also Like
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!