[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Dietest Coke
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
They did not miss in the small print
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.